F*** it!

I came here in Italy with lots of expectations but getting better with respect to my health was not one of those. Now it looks like that is my biggest area of improvements … or let’s say I 'm in a healing process.

How all that happened?

My arm hurts me. Pain started around July. Don't know what caused that awful feeling in my upper right arm. Maybe it was the old injury of muscle when I was exaggerating in fitness in March, maybe it was air condition in car, maybe it was driving a bike with tiny summer shirt or a bit of everything. End point is that my right arm swallowed and became so painful that I barely stand it.

And what have I done?

I managed to blow it somehow again. First I hoped it will be better soon, than I was trying to heal it with some creams ... than I had to go to Rimini and after that my doctor was not working ... So few weeks passes when I was not moving my upper arm at all, holding it close to the body and constantly pulling my shoulder as up toward my neck. I prevented the pain but I was mostly doing the damage on long-term.

Now my arm from the distance looks perfect … dressed with style ;), polished nails … but ... honestly life without right (especially if you used to do everything with it) arm sucks ... I cannot wear scarfs on my bald head. I can't place it because I need both of my arms to tie the knot ... I look like super stupid when I'm putting my stuff out of shopping basket and my better arm is just "observing" while left is awkwardly doing the whole "thing" , while lady at the cash machine is super-fast, … not to mention that I cannot be doing almost anything on computer longer than 10' and even that is super super slow.

Ufff, and I suppose to live in a foreign country for a while!!!?

Prior my arrival to Rimini I put all my energy in order to solve that problem and I was visiting

doctors, masseurs, bioenergetics, reflexo- therapists, physiotherapists, orthopedic ... just name it ... and the main conclusion was that I came too late for easy and fast help so it would take about year and a half before it gets better again. Meanwhile I have to practice. Eventually my muscles at my back … bellow the right shoulder stuck and will take a lot of time and energy to fix everything what is connected to that tiny little thing.

I was really brave and a "very good girl" first week in Rimini exercising frequently but than first lectures began and it was really tough and arm hurt me at the end of the busy day so I stopped.

So what now?!

So here I am after first month in Italy taking some conclusions about my life out of this "arm lesson".

When I was a little girl I started to act like a big adult ... Like a "good girl". Who knows why ... maybe it was also air-conditioning or driving a bike in a shirt with no sleeves :) but it seemed like it worked. Most people in my life somehow believed that I'm sure about most things and I soon established a habit to act like a self-centered egoistic confident bitch. First of all it might work when I was 4 ;) and later seemed people expected that from me. The less secure I felt the more bitchy I showed out and more I was hiding my real feelings. It had to come to the breaking point and so it came August 2010 when my life path changed a lot. You know – burn out and all those shitty things which followed.

This is what I found about Alopecia (that is a fancy name for my beautiful "hair cut") while searching internet about holistic approach.

"In my practice I have observed and treated very specific emotional issues that alopecia sufferers commonly have. Viewed holistically, hair is very much linked to personal identity. Sufferers ‘lose their identity’, typically, when not able to voice their feelings, and therefore cannot fully express who they are. Paradoxically, when suffering from emotional distress, as a coping mechanism, there is a disconnection with their own feelings, and ironically others tend to think they’re feeling fine." Says Meike Lawrence an UK homeopath

Ok, yea I know that now ... I figured it out after few years struggling with a whole bunch of diseases .

I also know that pulling my shoulder up was totally wrong and I should quit doing it immediately.

But none of those resolutions doesn't help me much more!

You know, even when I'm standing in front of the mirror trying to lift both of my arms synchronically, paying a big attention to the right shoulder; I'm constantly pulling it up. My mind and my right arm don’t know how to do it "correctly" even that I exactly see how left arm is doing it. Even that all I need to do it's simply repetition ... It doesn't work.

And I was doing it wrong only for few months ... with my feelings I was doing it for a half of century!

Yea, it's hard and painful and it takes a lot of pressure before I admit and express I feel sad, insecure, angry or lonely. And like with my arm – it’s painful when I exercise … and even tougher after when the pain spread all over the arm – my expose of feelings sometime brings unexpected and unpleasant reaction of people around me ... but I realized that this is the part of the healing.

I have to go on with both painful protocols and eventually I will be soon happy hairy volley ball (I assume they really have to lift both arms a lot J) playing babe! ...

Of course with fashion background and Italian language skills :)